Web3 Translator: The Ultimate Dictionary of Crypto Promises
Web3 has developed a language of its own. Missed deadlines become strategic decisions, the absence of a working product is explained as ecosystem development, and a simple repost from another project can suddenly turn into an international partnership.
This language truly shines during AMA sessions, where developers spend hours talking about a revolutionary future while carefully avoiding questions about the present.
We’ve put together a dictionary of crypto promises and translated them from Web3 into plain English. Naturally, with a healthy dose of satire. Any resemblance to real projects might not be entirely coincidental.
The Dream Team Nobody Has Ever Seen
We’re building a revolutionary ecosystem that will redefine Web3!
We’ve launched seven projects before. Six shut down. The seventh was renamed and became this one.
We have a strong international team of professionals!
There are three people on the team. One is a freelance designer. Another doesn’t even know he’s on the team.
Our developers are working practically around the clock!
The lead developer last logged into GitHub three weeks ago. He may have forgotten his password.
We believe in building in public!
We publish screenshots of the interface. We’d rather not show you the actual code.
Our infrastructure is designed to support millions of users!
The app currently crashes when twenty people log in. But imagine the potential!
We prioritize quality over development speed!
In eight months, we’ve moved a button, changed the logo, and fixed a typo.
Tomorrow, Next Month, and the Eternal Final Stage
The release is scheduled for next month!
Even the developers don’t know the release date. The roadmap exists purely for decoration.
We’re in the final stages of development!
The final stage began eleven months ago. Nobody knows when it will end.
We’ve made the difficult decision to postpone the launch to ensure the highest quality!
We missed the deadline. Again. But this time we’ve prepared a really impressive explanation.
We’ve deliberately decided not to announce exact deadlines!
After postponing the launch seven times, we decided to stop leaving written evidence.
We’re significantly ahead of our original roadmap!
We changed the roadmap yesterday. Now we’re ahead of schedule.
Tokenomics That Will Definitely Make Everyone Rich
Our token will have real utility!
Its only practical use is buying more of the same token.
We’ve developed a sustainable deflationary model!
We’ll occasionally burn some tokens and hope somebody notices.
Our tokenomics are designed for long-term growth!
The important thing is that you don’t sell before we do.
Staking will provide a stable source of passive income!
We’ll reward you with even more of our tokens. Where you’ll sell them is a problem for another day.
We’ve temporarily restricted withdrawals to protect our users!
Withdrawals are disabled. Deposits are working perfectly. Security comes first.
Our token is currently trading far below its fundamental value!
We invented the fundamental value. The market strongly disagrees.
Vesting protects the interests of long-term investors!
Your tokens are locked. The team’s unlock schedule is something you might want to investigate separately.
Binance Is Already Waiting. It Just Doesn’t Know It Yet
Our listing has already been agreed upon with leading centralized exchanges!
We submitted an application to Binance. They sent an automated email thanking us for our interest.
We cannot disclose the exchange’s name due to an NDA!
We haven’t decided which exchange to name yet. An NDA is incredibly convenient.
Our token will soon be available to millions of users!
We’re adding a Buy button to our website.
We’re deliberately postponing the listing until market conditions improve!
We can’t afford the listing fee. We’re hoping the market somehow solves that problem.
We’ll provide deep liquidity for our token!
We’ll put $500 into the liquidity pool. Hopefully nobody tries to sell.
Community First. Right After the Investors
Our community is our highest priority!
We respond to investors with large deposits. Everyone else can read the pinned message.
We carefully listen to every member of our community!
Critical comments get deleted. Their authors receive a permanent vacation from the chat.
Our community is growing at an incredible pace!
We bought 20,000 followers yesterday. Today we’re trying to figure out why nobody is talking.
We’re seeing record-breaking user activity!
One person created forty accounts to collect daily rewards.
We’re launching a massive ambassador program!
We’re looking for people willing to advertise us for free in exchange for promises.
We’ve developed a generous referral system!
Invite your friends. When you run out of friends, invite your relatives. We desperately need new users.
International Recognition and Two Mutual Reposts
We already have several major strategic partners!
Two projects agreed to repost each other’s announcements.
We’ve signed an agreement with an international Web3 company!
One of our administrators met their moderator in a Telegram group.
We’re negotiating with institutional investors!
Yesterday, someone with a profile picture wearing a business suit asked about the token price.
Major venture capital funds are showing interest in our project!
We sent our pitch deck to 47 funds. Two emails haven’t bounced back yet.
We’re closing our strategic investment round!
The first investor wants his money back. We urgently need a second investor.
Our project is supported by industry leaders!
A famous crypto influencer liked one of our posts. Possibly by accident.
NFTs, Metaverses, and Other Ways to Sell Thin Air
Our NFTs offer unique utility!
You can use them as profile pictures. Occasionally, they grant access to a private chat where nothing happens either.
We’re building a fully sustainable Play-to-Earn economy!
Players will keep earning as long as new players keep bringing money.
NFT rarity will determine its future market value!
There aren’t many pictures. There are even fewer buyers.
We’re integrating NFTs into the real economy!
We negotiated a 2% discount at a store. The NFT costs $150.
NFT holders will receive exclusive benefits!
They’ll be the first to hear about our next NFT collection.
We’re developing our own metaverse!
We bought a 3D map and placed a tree on it. Now we’re trying to figure out what people are supposed to do there.
Our game combines the best GameFi mechanics!
Tap, wait, watch ads. Occasionally, tap again.
Your Money Is Safe. Especially From You
Our smart contracts are completely secure!
Nobody has stolen anything yet.
Our project has successfully passed an independent security audit!
The auditor reviewed one contract. We added nine more afterward.
We’re committed to complete transparency!
Our wallet address is public. Who controls it and where the money goes is none of your business.
We detected suspicious activity and responded immediately!
The money was already gone. But we disabled the comments incredibly quickly.
Our ecosystem is fully decentralized!
One wallet controls the entire contract. But the word decentralized appears prominently on our homepage.
When Everything Is Crashing but the Future Looks Brighter Than Ever
Current market conditions present incredible opportunities!
Our token has dropped 94%. We urgently need to explain why that’s actually a good thing.
The recent price decline is part of a broader market correction!
Bitcoin dropped 3%. We dropped 73%. Basically the same thing.
We’re seeing signs of accumulation by major holders!
One wallet bought $14 worth of tokens. Possibly by accident.
We’re undergoing an internal team restructuring!
The programmer quit. The marketing manager disappeared. Only the Telegram moderator remains.
We’ve decided to temporarily reduce our communication activity!
We’ve run out of things to say. Hopefully everyone will calm down eventually.
We’ve gained invaluable experience and are ready to move forward!
We’re shutting down this project. A new one launches next week.
AMA Sessions: Uncomfortable Questions and Very Comfortable Answers
AMA sessions deserve a category of their own. This is where the Web3 dictionary becomes a genuine art form. The more specific the question, the more words are usually required to avoid answering it.
When will users finally receive their promised rewards?
We’re currently reviewing our distribution model to ensure the long-term sustainability of the project’s economy!
We promised far too much. Now we’re figuring out how to distribute far less.
Why hasn’t a single roadmap milestone been completed in six months?
We’ve decided to realign our priorities to reflect the rapidly evolving conditions of the Web3 industry!
We failed to deliver on our plans. So we changed the plans.
Why doesn’t the team publish financial reports?
Certain aspects of our operations are subject to commercial confidentiality!
You really wouldn’t like seeing where the money went.
When will users finally be able to withdraw their earned tokens?
We’re currently developing the most comfortable and secure withdrawal infrastructure possible!
We built the deposit button in one day. The withdrawal button has presented some unexpected challenges.
Why have you stopped responding to difficult questions?
We want to maintain a constructive and positive atmosphere within our community!
We prefer it when people praise us.
And finally, the traditional ending to almost every AMA session.
The host asks: Is there anything you’d like to say to your community before we finish?
Thank you for your incredible trust! Massive updates, strategic partnerships, and groundbreaking developments are ahead of us. You can’t even imagine what we’re preparing for you!
Neither can we.
Meanwhile, the comments are already rolling in.
When listing? Where can I buy? Can I still get in early? When is the next NFT sale?
And someone will inevitably write:
Finally, a team of real developers. Not like those previous projects!
That’s why a Web3-to-English translator should probably be built into every crypto wallet, Telegram channel, and AMA session.
Although there’s a strong suspicion that even with such a translator, half the users would still rush to buy the tokens.
And the other half would complain that they missed the presale allocation.
This article is a work of satire targeting common statements and marketing practices in the cryptocurrency industry. All translations are fictional and do not constitute accusations against any specific project. Legitimate teams may have functioning products, justified development delays, and verified partnerships.